Anger, Anxiety, Depression OH MY!

Okay...I'm becoming transparent for everyone out there and my .5 readers...HA! Who knows maybe I'll figure out this whole blog thing and will get more readers...if not this is an excellent journal tool. Okay, here is the deal... I suffer from panic attacks and generalized anxiety. I've been to counseling and to a psychiatrist. I've gotten medicine. Klonopin (sp?) is wonderful, however it makes me tired AND it is addictive...oh yay! Prozac was wonderful for about 4 months and then I put up with it for 2 more months and then said enough is enough...I want to be able to cry again...to FEEL again. You see when you are as bad off as I got, medicine that takes away all that anxiety and depression is a God send...the problem is 1. I don't WANT to be on medicine, 2. When you are messin' with your body chemistry....well things can get pretty screwed up. Now I'm just on the K medicine and I'm suffering from irritability, bouts of anger, short temper, overwhelming feelings, I just don't feel right feelings, sadness, low self esteem/ low self worth, dizziness (prob. side effect from K medicine), feelings of being trapped. I mean I can be having a good day and ONE thing said can slam me down into this dark place that is just NO FUN. I wish I could get completely off medicine, but I have a feeling that I have some sort of chemical or hormonal imbalance and I may need this tool of medication (Tom Cruise &all you guys like them can just keep your mouth shut because you know darn well if you had diabetes you would take your insulin or if you had cancer you would treat it so just STOP before you make some snide comment about medication and go and make me have to get more to deal with your ignorance!) Wow, starting this blog thing out good..I'll have a whole bunch of hate mail! Anyways, this is my life right now...I don't have the joy I once had and I really question why God is allowing me to go through this...It has been an ongoing battle for a few years now. Have I sinned? I pray that God reveal to me what I have done wrong...and so far no answer. Do I not trust God enough? Maybe... I keep hearing how God will comfort me and see me through this, but why can't he just take it away? Is God trying to get my attention? Dude...you GOT it! I've gotten to the point that I just want Christ to come back and take His church so I can be healed of this DISEASE. People if you haven't experienced what I'm talking about you just can't get it. Just recently I went to an Extraordinary woman Conference and Chonda Pierce was there as a speaker...she was GREAT...and funny. If you don't know who I'm talking about Google her..she is a Christian comedian who has experienced the depths of depression and has come through it...lucky her; I'm still wandering in circles. So...this is a new beginning of my journey...I'm going to try to record what I go through what works...what doesn't and hopefully together we can make it through to the other side called "Happy, joyful, peaceful, etc." Want to know my next plan of action? Oh well...I'm going to tell you anyway. I'm going to call my OB/GYN doctor to discuss hormones...I'm only 31 y'all...I think menopause is out the door...but if she has some insight I'm going to listen. Then I'm going to call my psychiatrist and let him know the is no way I'm making it to November I need to see him earlier. I already have a counseling session scheduled for my Hubbie and I b/c what affects one of us affects both of us. I have an accountability partner for Bible reading and prayer...and I will become more diligent with this...maybe we can actually start meeting up. Then I'm going to try to get active...go on a walk daily either outside or at my Mom's house on her treadmill. I know that is starting a lot at once, but I WANT to feel better. I don't like wishing I could run away from it all. I LOVE my kids and husband and I don't want to continue going through periods of isolation from them...and I want ENERGY again. I have hope...it may be only a sliver of a glimmer, but it is something. Jesus said all we needed was faith as small as a mustard seed and we could say to a mountain move from here to there and it would move. All I can say is "Lord I pray that you will help me improve my faith...help me trust you and please Lord heal me...don't let what is going on in my head affect my family..protect my kids Lord. When they remember their childhood I pray they don't remember this weak shell of a woman, but they can remember when I had it together and we had good times. I love you Lord and I know you promise to work everything for the good for those who love Him. I'm waiting Lord, please just show me glimmers of hope throughout my days...so I know that you haven't forgotten me. I pray this in my precious Savior, Jesus, name. Amen.